


Connection Ain't Clear (but I hope you hear my soul)

by Waynesgrayson



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Established Relationship, Future Fic, Light Angst, M/M, Married Couple, Mild Gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2014-09-25
Packaged: 2018-02-18 19:04:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2358932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waynesgrayson/pseuds/Waynesgrayson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was beautiful, and it made him wish for Alec more, that the younger man could stand next to him and point out the changing shades, and the names of appearing stars. To whisper and hold his hand, to stand at his side, to just be home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Connection Ain't Clear (but I hope you hear my soul)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired from a mess of capitalized rants and realizations.

Magnus was never one to gaze at the stars. To stop and look up as the setting sun swirled the sky into a vast array of deep set colours. Admire the way white flecks of imperfections dotted after purples and pinks,blurring into a blue so deep it looked black; or witness how a storm could take the most perfect of blues, and squeeze until it dripped down to the earth, leaving dark greys and greens in its wake.

But things change. Things always change.

Change was how he found himself sitting outside on the balcony, watching as the sun brought reds and oranges the world could only dream of replicating to life. His eyes tracing the white and pinks that seeped in between the suns leaking colour, as if enthralled by its blend.

Things change, but not everything. After all, habits were habits for a reason.

Yes, his gaze was fixed towards the sky, but his thoughts were so far from the stars and moon that he might as well not be watching the sky at all. In fact, his thoughts were on alleyways and rickety stairs, the loud sounds of city life and the soft crunch of boots on concrete, the sound of spilling blood and the sound of bodies hitting the floor, blood splattered warriors and throat ripping screams heard by no one.

He shook his head.

He knew that there was nothing the world could ever do to prepare him for the way his heart pounded so quietly in his chest, yet so loud it sometimes overpowered his thoughts. Though sometimes that was a blessing. His thoughts weren't always clean. Burned red by possibility’s and fears, tainted by the smell of rot that's never actually there, but stained to the inside of his nose all the same.

Gripping the rail, he sighed long and slow. The release of air allowing his heart a small break of calm. He wished he could douse his body in the feeling, but until he knew things were okay, his heart would continue to pound as if it was in danger.

 _'But it is.'_ he thought. In danger of being torn apart by unwanted words and looks, of being squished under the hands of monsters and darkness, of stopping at the sight of dead stares from such alive people.

Of breaking so thoroughly that even once repaired, there would be cracks and missing pieces.

Magnus was use to the distance. He had to be, he knew it wasn't safe or healthy for him to sit around and pine away, surrounded by silence until it ate at him or drove him mad. So, he did what he could, taking on multiple clients at a time, sometimes working for hours on end with no stops. Reading and practising until blue and black sparks mixed into the same colours the sky bled every morning and night; until the colour oozed out his fingertips, decorating the carpet in swirls and bursts. Anything and everything to take care of the tiny little piece of them they had.

But some days it was hard to remember to continue, to shut his brain on and flip the switch that allowed productivity and work. Some days, he found himself staying in bed a little bit longer. Lingering in areas with a look that suggested his mind was elsewhere, trapped in pictures and reeling images that flashed along the walls of his mind like a slide show, only to snap back to reality moments later, looking dazed as his mind sorted itself out.

He had to admit, he was becoming restless. His emotions straining and fighting him every step of the way, trying and testing, causing pain and sorrow. The pain was starting to latch onto his entire being, an ache so great, yet subtle, it seemed to only lurk in the corners of his body, but managed to cover everything like a heavy blanket.

It made sleeping unbearable.

After a while, their bed started to feel too big and too small, causing more nights to be sleepless then not; the blankets, constricting like prison chains one night, but by the next he's desperately wishing the fabric could be worn tighter and closer, so he could fool himself, if only a moment, that strong arms were holding him close. The couch wasn't nearly as comfortable as it was when he couldn't lounge on top of Alec, grinning at halfhearted whines of protest as his deadweight self is shifted to a more comfortable position. No night in was the same with out Alec's soft words and long fingers running through his hair until Magnus's body was nothing but calm and sleepy. The morning and evening routine, empty, without another body moving in sync with his own, walking around and ducking under until everything was complete. He missed the talking and teasing, the blushing and hand holding, the kisses, the looks, the movement. The coming home and finding Alec snuggled in their bed with a book, their daughter asleep on his chest as he reads out the last line of a childhood rhyme.

He was missing his husband more than he could understand or grasp.

He sighed, hands running through his hair, tugging slightly at the roots. The soft static crackling from the baby monitor beside him was the only other sound around him – now that wasn't quite true, one can't turn New York off- but it was the only important sound, and for once he wished Ava would fuss awake so he would have something to do. Though at the same time he was glad she was asleep. It was hard explaining almost nightly where Papa was. He didn't want to say things like 'I'm not sure' or answer with silence, and while he knew she wouldn't understand, he would answer all the same,“He's fighting his way home to you.”

Fighting his way through unknown grounds and streets. Soil from another world staining his gear, and air that will never be as clear and crisp as it once was, tainted with the smell of death, filling his lungs. Protecting the world from dangers it will never know of, protecting him and their daughter; protecting his family.

Magnus knew it was selfish of him to want Alec home when he was out doing good, saving the lives of many, and being where he's needed most; changing the world for the better. But he couldn't seem to stop his mind from going there every once in awhile. The thoughts digging at his resolve until it left him breathless and tired some nights, and angry others.

But he couldn't be angry at Alec. Not for this.

So if he held his daughter that much closer, and that much longer on nights his mind betrayed him, or found himself rising earlier than normal to watch her breathe, no one had to know.

Magnus smiled.

Alec would know. He always did.

Some nights he'd wake in the night, rolling over in a search for warmth and contact, but would find himself alone in soft sheets. He'd know exactly where his warlock went, and would rise to join him. Arms wrapping around Magnus's waist, resting just below where a belly button would lie, a kiss placed to the back of his neck, and a following silence that was always peaceful in a way both men thought they would never experience or have.

She was there though. Beautiful in the way baby's always were, soft and bright, seemingly glowing. Wisps of black hair crowned her head, skin as dark as Magnus's, and eyes so bright and green Magnus had immediately changed his opinion on the shade. He could be a blue and green man.

They'd stand and watch her for awhile, fingers intertwining and rubbing. The tenderness of the moment always got to Magnus. His heart going a beat faster then it should, but that was okay. He found he didn't mind, and by the time they themselves settled in their bed, his heart would be calm, the beat lulling Alec to sleep, and soon after, himself.

He wrapped his own arms around his stomach, the feeling off, but enough for the moment. He stood in silence, the sounds of the city blurred out and ignored. It was only him and the almost set sun. The sky was now saying goodbye to the last strands of purple and red, dark blue creeping up and setting out around the lowering orb.

It was beautiful, and it made him wish for Alec more, that the younger man could stand next to him and point out the changing shades, and the names of appearing stars. To whisper and hold his hand, to stand at his side, to just be home.

He stood outside for a few more minutes, waiting until the sun was gone, and the last flash of light touched the sky, disappearing below the horizon. He looked down, his mind blank of thought. He could feel the conflict in his heart. It was calm, but he could feel the tension and heartache eating at the edges, surrounding, waiting for him to give up and welcome the sadness so it could flood his heart for hours, drowning his lungs, burning his throat.

Magnus shook his head. Sighing, he grabbed the monitor and went inside.

The warmth of the loft made him stop. He looked behind him and frowned, his face and neck now tingling in the warm air. He didn’t realize how cold it really was.

He placed the monitor on the coffee table and quietly made his way to Ava's room.

The window in her room was wide open, the curtains blowing in and out softly, the noise nothing more than a flutter in the silence. Magnus closed it, his attention on his Ava.

He fixed her blanket over her from where it sat around her ankles, her little hands gripping the soft fabric of the bed sheet.

He reached out a steady hand, and held it above her small body. It was something he had caught himself doing whenever Alec left for patrols, or was gone for a long period of time. He found strength in her, just like he had done- and continued to do- with Alec. Normally, he would pick her up, cradle her in his arms as he whispered nonsense and sweet nothings to her, her giggling smiles and attempts at talking back always made him feel feather light; but with her sleeping, he didn't risk placing a hand on her. He wanted her to sleep.

Instead, he settled for the calm her aura gave, it's colour soft and glazed over, comforting, and exactly what he needed to stop himself from the crushing feeling his heart was in trouble of facing.

He left her after a moment, only looking back once before closing the door.

She was getting better at sleeping through the night.

Magnus smiled as memorizes of slow mornings and over tired nights filled his mind. Of rolling over and declaring it was Alec's turn, and shamelessly smiling at Alec's grunts of tiredness as he rose to attend to Ava's needs. Of raised eyebrows in question of how to do something, and pep talks when worries and frustrations got the best of them. Of rushing together during afternoon naps with an intense need for skin on skin, and a contact so close and deep he felt they could and would burn alive before it was over.

Magnus quickly moved those thoughts along, but he could feel his cheeks and neck burn hot, as if he was once again a teenager, thinking thoughts he wasn't sure he was allowed to think or want.

He flopped onto the couch with a sigh, grabbing the remote and flipping though the stations at a pace that didn't allow him to see what was actually playing. He eventually gave up, clicking the television off with a huff.

He stretched out along the couch, his head landing on his bedroom pillow, having moved it there last night when he couldn't stand where he was any longer, and watched the monitor. Its sound still soft and staticy. He looked away to face the ceiling, arm covering his eyes.

Time had passed he knew, how much he wasn't sure. It felt like a long time, but he fought himself down, attempting to keep his eyes from the time, not sure if he could take it if he found out only ten minutes had passed. It wasn't much of a fight, more like a small flame of curiosity, but it was there, itching at his skin. It would have been uncomfortable if he wasn't so use to it now.

He entertained thoughts of getting up and getting ready for bed, but he knew he wouldn't. Even later nights and earlier mornings were something he was in habit of.

It wasn't that he couldn't fall asleep without Alec, because he could. He just couldn't fall asleep without knowing if his husband was okay and alive, and with almost two months with little to no word, it was starting to take its toll. He knew that if Alec could, he would talk with him every night, and he had no doubt that Alec was feeling the same way he was about the entire situation.

He felt his heart clench tightly in his chest, and he wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull Alec close.

Tears began burning behind his eyelids, mouth trembling slightly. He was ready to let it all out, his body and mind giving in to the inevitable. It was bond to happen, it was just a matter of here or in the bedroom, where it was bound to be worse. The first tear drew a complete line down his face, when a soft sound startled him. He looked towards the monitor, but it was still all static. He sat up and glanced around, and when the sound was made again, his head snapped to the door. He could feel his eyes widen as his heart jumped into his throat. When the door handle turned, Magnus stood and held his breath.

The door opened and revealed the most beautiful sight.

There was Alec, looking as sheepish as he did the first time he came to the loft alone. He dropped his bag and closed the door, a small, unsure smile on his face. “Hi.”

It felt silly, but all he could do was stare and take in Alec's appearance. His wild black hair sticking out in various places, cheekbones more prominent since the last time he saw him, angry grey bags under his eyes, matching his own. He looked absolutely wrecked.

He was beautiful.

Magnus choked out a laugh, tears spilling down his cheeks.

Alec tilted his head to the side and began walking towards him. He frowned, eyebrows drawn together. “Magnus?”

Magnus laughed again, closing the distance between them, gathering Alec into his arms, flush against his body. It was as if he was trying to absorb Alec into himself. He nuzzled the top of Alec's head, thankful for the small height difference he often gloated about, breathing in a scent that was dirty, grimy, and unclean, but Alec all the same.

“I missed you so much.”

Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus, holding him tighter. “I missed you, too.”

“Don't leave me again.” he said, his voice quiet, and although he knew Alec could promise no such thing, he had to say it, he had to let Alec know how much their being apart wrecked him.

Alec pulled back and looked at Magnus, his eyes sad and understanding, and Magnus knew he wished he could make a promise like that, and the fact that he couldn’t bothered him more than he could say.

“Not for a while.”

“Good, because we have a lot to catch up on.”

He grabbed the front of Alec’s jacket and captured his mouth in a kiss. It was rough and hard to start, mouths clashing together in a tumble, trying to get anything for the other person. Pulling and nipping at pink flesh, tongues slotting together, tasting each other. Alec's hands came up and curled around Magnus's waist, grabbing at the fabric, pulling Magnus forward as he made small little noises in the back of his throat. Magnus couldn't hold back a smile as he soaked in Alec's noises, a hum of approval escaping from his throat as they continued to kiss, the action and touched involved desperate and needy.

For awhile they stood, exchanging kisses and looks, completely absorbed in one another- in their own little world. Nipping and sucking until lips turned red and swollen.

Alec's fingers played with the hem of Magnus's shirt, the fingertips touching his stomach and waist soon became blunt finger nails, marking and teasing the skin of his hips before slipping below his waist band, and slowly tracing the flesh before the dip.

Magnus pulled back, flushed and breathless. He touched his forehead to Alec's, huffing out a laugh.

“I've changed my mind, your touches will be the death of me.”

Alec smiled. “If you can't handle this, then I don't know how you're going to last when I finally get you in bed.”

Magnus couldn't help the sly smile that spread across his face. He tilted his head down, their lips just about touching, as he gazed into Alec's eyes. “Why Alexander.” his words coming out in a purr as he pulled Alec back in for a devouring kiss.

They broke off, their breath coming out in huffs. Alec placed a hand on the back of Magnus's neck, and pulled him down so their foreheads could rest together again, their breath now mingling together in the small space they allowed. “Do you want me to get Ava?”

“No.” Alec shook his head. “Let her sleep.” Magnus nodded and smiled, giddiness replacing what was heartbreak moments before.

That didn't, however, stop a yawn from escaping.

Alec laughed. It was beautiful and melodic and down right fantastic. After all these years, Alec still knew how to knock the breath out of Magnus, no matter how small the action. Magnus tilted his head down and slotted their lips together, the kiss soft and breathy as Alec tried not to laugh into it.

Alec pulled away first, his cheeks a touch pink. “I need to shower.” he said as he kissed Magnus's lips once more. The warlock watched him walk away, but Alec stopped before the bathroom door and turned around, a small frown on his lips.

Magnus frowned as well. “What's wrong?”

“Aren't you joining me?”

Magnus could feel his mouth twist into a grin, his eyes slotting themselves into their cat like form as they trailed up and down his husband. “Oh, Alexander,” he said, “I love you.”

Alec, while his eyes held the distinctive gleam of mischief, still managed to look innocent, smiled his shy little smile and whispered, “And I love you.” 

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me here: http://waynesgrayson.tumblr.com/  
> Song from title: Broken Arrows - Daughtry  
> Do yourself a favour and check out their music. Seriously.
> 
> No beta, all mistakes are my own.


End file.
